Day 1: Preemptive Grieving

Pistachios and chocolates and whiskey. The three things that always make my heart flutter and my waist wider. They bring joy to me like nothing else. Besides my boyfriend. A handsome man with dimples, perfect smile, and I must say a great ass. He is a sweet, honest man who works hard and loves cats. Who could ask for better? He seems distant. And he knows he has been. He’s been going through an emotional stage saying he’s going through an identity crisis. I completely understand his circumstances and why he would feel such a way. I’ve been giving him the space he needs. He says our relationship is fine. That everything is okay, but I’m holding my breath waiting for the moment he decides that he no longer wants me to be a part of his life. I’m afraid he still loves his ex while saying he loves me. I’m grieving losing him before I even lose him, because it’ll be easier for him. Easier if I fade out of his life as quickly as I came in. I love him enough to let him go and hopefully strong enough to handle if he doesn’t come back. If I could choose him being miserable and with me or happy with someone else, I’d choose him to be happy. I love him absolutely unconditionally. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I’m waiting for the devastating blow that may or may not come, but just in case I’ll relearn how to make myself happy. I’m just hoping that he can do the same.